What Elle Chase Knows About Plus Size Sex That You NEED To Know Too
Fat women and sex. Some might say it’s a decently taboo topic. In fact, I almost shudder to think that, from now on, when you Google “Sarah Sapora” that a blog about sex will pop up. (Sorry mom and dad!)
Except, I shouldn’t shudder. Sex simply shouldn’t be so taboo for women of size. We shouldn’t be shocked when overweight characters on TV shows have sex just as we shouldn’t be shocked that men and women of all different shapes, sizes, and colors have partners of all different shapes, sizes, and colors that find them desirable. I’m not sure how, or when, or WHY talking about sex became such an outlandish thing to do… so I will start with a simple message for everyone reading this: sex and intimacy is a natural part of life. For women (and men, and those who identify as neither) who want to enjoy sex and intimacy —– it should be welcome, accepted, and fostered in life without shame.
And yet, I know dozens of women who are utterly uncomfortable talking about sex, wanting sex, and even shy away from discussing sex with their spouse. Why? That’s not for me to get explain. I don’t have enough time or education to get into the whole “societal politics of sexuality and size” but, what I can say is this —
…the idea that larger people do not deserve to have fulfilling, healthy, and rewarding sex lives is utter crap.
I once read that a poll reported a shockingly high number of women would give up sex entirely if it meant they could be “skinny.” I’m not sure where I read this, but it was enough of a statement to burn into my memory and make me feel really, really sad.
Somewhere along the line, “we” picked up the idea that sex is only for people who look a certain way. This is wrong. Sex is for every body. Everybody. EVERY. BODY.
Which is why I was thrilled to hear that sex educator Elle Chase, ACS, was coming out with her first book.
“Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body-Positive Positions To Empower Your Sex Life” is an invaluable resource for any plus size individuals, those who are intimate with larger people, or with special mobility needs, like a bad back or knees. The book is an honest, thought-provoking and highly educational resource to guide plus size lovers to their best sex. It’s focus? Education, tips, positions, resources and advice to help remove the stigma of “fat sex,” helping partners be in the present and enjoy intimacy to the max!
Elle is a fierce advocate for the marriage between sex and body positivity. She is an educator, a speaker, and an author. She is also the creator of an award-winning feminist sensual images blog, and she serves as the Director of Education at the Los Angeles Academy of Sex Education. In short… she knows her stuff.
I had the chance to attend the launch party for “Curvy Girl Sex” this past week in LA.
Last night I joined @theellechase for the launch of her book, Curvy Girl Sex! I'll be writing about the tips and takeaways I learned for @plusmodelmag and can't wait to share her bold and honest advice about how more women can embrace their body in the bedroom. Wearing a dress by @asos @asos_loves_curve that's on the site right now! #BeGreater #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psbloggers #celebratemysize #honormycurves #goldenconfidence #daretowear #asoscurve #asos
Elle, a petite plus size woman with shocking red hair and a huge smile, shared excerpts of her book, as well some of her greatest advice for plus size lovers.
Some of which, I’m going to share with you!
Three lessons I learned from Curvy Girl Sex that will change the way you think about intimacy forever.
1. Move that sh*t around.
Elle breaks the ice with this massive #TruthBomb; you’ve got to get comfortable moving your body around.
“You’re going to have to ‘get OK’ with moving your body,” she shares. “You’re going to have to ‘get OK’ with moving your fat… spreading your your thighs or lifting up your stomach, or even moving your boobs. Because that is what you look like.”
Here’s the deal. Elle advisis we just be realistic about our bodies without judgment. As she shares, larger bodies simply have different needs. The idea is simply to be matter-of-fact about this and wrap your head around the idea that you may have to adjust yourself for better positioning.
2. Help you help yourself to “get there” with the right accessories.
Pillows, toys, aids, devices, and lube are all accessories that Elle is a HUGE advocate of! Her book shares the most helpful tools she has come across, including “large-body friendly” toys. Her idea? That it’s our job to take responsibility for our own pleasure, and to be proactive in finding ways to help our bodies to be pleasured. The biggest tip she has? Pillows! And not the kind from your sofa or bed. Instead, Elle talks extensively about how adult pillows can be the single best way to make sex more pleasureable and body-accessible for plus size individuals and those with mobility issues.
3. You don’t have to love your body in order to have great sex. You don’t even have to like it; you just have to be at peace with it.
“People would say ‘love your body, love your body’ but I just wasn’t there, “ Elle admits. “I don’t know if I’ll ever love my body, but I can accept my body.”
Woh. Stop the presses. You mean… someone can have great sex if they don’t LOVE their body? YES! What Elle explains is the most refreshing and honest thing we’ve heard about body image in a long time; in a sea of “body positive pressure” to love your body and celebrate it, Elle offers us all permission to struggle.
She teaches that you don’t have to love every part of your body, and that loving your body is hard. Which is, frankly, will come as a relief to the many of us who have an amoeba-like relationship to Body Love. Elle encourage us to work with our body as it is, and not to punish ourselves or deny ourselves simply because we may struggle with the fluidity of loving (and then not loving, and then loving again) our body.
“You can’t enjoy sex if you’re constantly worrying about whether you’re sexy enough for your partner. You can’t enjoy sex when you are thinking about how to do it while looking elegant or hiding your rolls. You can’t enjoy sex if your mind is wandering and you’re not concentrating on your partner’s pleasure and your own…”
The big lesson in everything Elle teaches us, whether in person or in her book, is that sex is something to be experienced in the present.
“I came to understand that the negative feelings I had toward my body and my sexual desirability was a social construct thrust upon me – one that I unwittingly and subconsciously took part in. I finally understood this construct – that fat women aren’t sexy, or a woman must wear heels and flirty dresses, that she must bat her eyes and let her date determine her dateability – was a lie. I was free. I wanted all women to know this fact. I wanted all women to know – and feel confident- that we are all sexy, and it has nothing to do with flat abs or lustrous hair, but everything to do with how sexy we feel and how connected we are to our sexuality.”
Interested in snagging a copy of Curvy Girl Sex for yourself? You can find it on Amazon here.
Photo, PLUS Model Magazine, October 2013 Issue – Photographer, Allen Cooley