Relationships
Why Nagging Destroys Sexual Charge (And What You Can Do About It)
Why Nagging Destroys Sexual Charge (And What You Can Do About It)
By Contributor Londin Angel Winters
We all know nagging is a bad dynamic in any romantic relationship. And for men especially, nagging drives them absolutely insane. Most women know this from watching their parents or playing it out in their own relationships, but they don’t understand why men hate nagging so much.
In our minds, WE are the ones who should be frustrated…
Often as women, we carry the mental weight of running the household and family. And when our men don’t pull their weight (especially when we live together), this gets exhausting. It feels like the only way to get him to do his fair share of the work is to bug him until he finally does it.
But here’s the problem…
Nagging is absolutely detrimental to sexual heat and chemistry. If you keep nagging your guy, he isn’t going to feel much like ripping your clothes off.
It can feel like a double bind for women — we want a man who does his share of the work AND we want to be adored, ravished and cherished.
The thing about a traditionally masculine, Alpha type man is this: Their number one most important value is freedom. When you nag them over and over again to do something, they perceive you as taking away their freedom. Alpha guys want freedom, trust and to be the leaders running the show. Every time you try and tell them what to do, it goes against the core of everything they really want. Not a great dynamic.
And it’s frustrating for you too!
You don’t want to have to nag him all the time, but it seems like unless you do, nothing gets done. And it’s not exactly fair that you should have to do all the work yourself just to preserve your sex life, right?
Absolutely. But here’s the thing — 99% of the time, nagging doesn’t work anyway.
You both end up feeling frustrated and disconnected.
But there is a solution. It comes down to dropping your old strategy, (the one that makes him feel you don’t trust him and you’re being controlling) and adopting a new one. A strategy that actually appeals to one of the other top values of an Alpha man — honor.
An Alpha guy prides himself on keeping his word. And you can appeal to this part of him to make agreements that will meet your needs in the relationship, without killing your sexual connection and chemistry.
Here’s how:
Speak from the heart — not the mind.
Often when we’re telling our guy what needs to be done it sounds something like this, “babe, I’ve told you three times we have company coming over and you still haven’t picked up your clothes off the floor! Are you just not listening to me?!!”
We berate him with our words, so angry that we’ve literally closed our heart to him.
Now what if we shift it to this, “Love… I have friends coming over this evening and I feel embarrassed when the house doesn’t look nice.”
Now, not only is this much kinder, it has another important distinction — rather than telling him what to do, you’re expressing your emotion from your heart. You’re getting vulnerable and letting him know this makes you feel embarrassed. Suddenly, he can be your hero. He has the opportunity to help you feel better. It’s a challenge or problem he can solve for you instead of what can feel like you arbitrarily telling him what to do.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
A lot of the time we get into negative patterns with our partners and start harping on them for every single little thing, just to make a point. We have built up emotion around the fact that “he never helps” unless we ask him to, so we start getting on him about everything.
This is a major no no. Because when you bug him about each tiny thing instead of saving it for the things that are really important to you, you lose credibility with him. He DOES stop listening, because you’re on him all the time.
So you have to make the choice to step back on certain things and save the requests for things that really matter to you. Let the little things go.
Formalize Communication
So much of the time, the things that DO need to be talked about get slipped into our daily interactions and are treated like they’re nothing. When something is causing you irritation and needs to be talked about, it’s best to formalize the conversation.
Alpha guys do well with clear agreements. And it’s hard to make a clear agreement while you’re putting on your makeup and rushing out the door for work. Instead, give it proper attention. Go grab coffee somewhere and bring it up with him when he is giving you his full attention.
Remember to speak from the heart and tell him what agreement you need in order to make a shift. Appeal to his honor. See what he’s willing to agree to and then count on him to be his word. Stay out of demands or telling him what he needs to do.
For example, you could say: “In order to stop feeling frustrated about having to cook dinner every night when I’ve also been working all day, I would need you to take over 2 nights each week of figuring out dinner.” Note the words, “I would need.” This isn’t an expectation or a demand, it’s you expressing your needs. He has the choice to show up or not.
Try this method as an alternative to nagging. If you’ve made a clear agreement about something that’s important to you and really spoken from your heart, then if he breaks the agreement, you can show him with your emotions. Let him know your disappointment that he isn’t being his word. But first you have to give him a chance. [divider] . [/divider]
ABOUT LONDIN ANGEL WINTERS:
Londin Angel Winters is a true thought leader in the conversation of embodied love and intimacy. As the author of Amazon best-selling book, The Awakened Woman’s Guide To Everlasting Love, acclaimed sacred intimacy coach, co-facilitator of the Yoga of Intimacy retreat and teacher of Sacred Snake Ceremony, Londin is bringing something refreshing and powerful to the world of relationship and divine feminine practice.
People are different. We all have our own unique personalities, and we all have different ways of doing things.
That’s why it’s so important to learn how to stop expecting other people to act like you. If you expect others to be like you, you’re going to be disappointed every time they don’t follow your lead. You can’t force them into being just like you, and even if they wanted to, they couldn’t do it without sacrificing their own personality. When you learn how to stop expecting others to act like you, it will change everything about the way that people respond to you—and vice versa!
Here are some steps that will help:
1) Be aware of what’s happening around you.
Are there any patterns? Do certain things keep happening repeatedly? Do certain things only happen once or twice? What can you learn from these patterns? Are there any patterns in your own behavior? If so, how do those patterns relate back to the ones that seem universal among humans?
2) Accept the beauty of being you.
The fact is that some people aren’t going to be like you no matter what you do, so trying to make them conform is just going to make things harder on everyone involved—and only serve as a reminder of all the ways in which we differ from one another. So instead of trying so hard to get others to conform, why not focus on being yourself instead?
3) Realize that everyone has their own set of experiences that shape how they behave.
Just because someone doesn’t do things exactly like you does doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them; it just means that their experiences have led them down another path than yours did! No two people have the same past experiences. It’s our differences that allow us to have different perspectives and approaches. This is what makes life truly interesting!
4) Honest and transparency is a must!
Be honest with yourself about what you want from other people. If there is something that you really want from another person (such as help with a project), communicate this clearly so that there are no misunderstandings or conflicts later down the road when they don’t fulfill those expectations!
5) Expectations are just that—expectations!
The only person whose behavior is truly under your control is yours. So, while it’s okay if someone doesn’t act exactly like you, it’s important that you don’t expect them to do so. If you find yourself getting upset because someone isn’t acting like they should be acting, take a step back and ask yourself why this is upsetting you so much. Are there parts of yourself that are being triggered by this person’s behavior? If so, try focusing on those parts of yourself instead of trying to force the other person into being different than they are.
Sadly, when we look around at society today, we see all kinds of expectations placed on how people should act—especially when it comes to gender roles! Girls are supposed to be quiet and demure; boys are supposed to be strong and brave; girls should wear skirts; boys should wear pants… the list goes on!
But here’s the thing: these expectations aren’t true! We’re all unique individuals with our own preferences. In fact, it’s up to you to decide how you want to show up in this world (no matter what). The world is a big place, and everyone is different. We all have different personalities, and we’ve all got our own ways of doing things.
It’s time to let go of those expectations because no one is going to live their lives the same way that you would. Instead of trying to change others—or expecting them to change themselves so they can be more like you—why not just accept them for who they are? After all, who knows better than you what makes YOU happy? If someone else wants to live a different kind of life than yours, respect them enough to support them in their choices and try not to judge or criticize them for doing so!
What To Do If An Ex Reaches Out to You…
By Celebrity Life and Love Coach Mona Green
Our exes can reach out to us for a number of reasons, bringing up emotions and feelings at the ping of a text. Below are some common scenarios and how to deal with them.
1. If they had a gut feeling you’ve slept with someone else:
Our relationships leave their mark not just in our heads and hearts… our bodies and intuition remember our lovers too. In the same way that you ‘know’ someone is lying to you or that feeling that you’re going to get the perfect parking spot, sometimes our former partners can ‘know’ this too and want confirmation.
Recommendation: Be honest but be kind. It’s easy to get caught up in the trap of the ego and want to be ‘the one who moved on first’ and hurt your former partner, particularly if they hurt you. That said, it’s wise to remember in these instances that ‘an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind’. Nobody wins when we weaponize our pain.
2. If someone from their family died or has taken seriously ill:
When you’ve spent a significant amount of time with someone romantically, you are also in one way or another at the very least aware of their family lives and communities as well. You may have even spent time with the people they claim as their own and as such have been granted an opportunity to connect on a deeper, more human level too. When it comes to life-changing things like death, illness, and tragedies—all moments that undeniably force us to re-think our priorities and leave pettiness behind, it is not uncommon for us to look for support in those who already know what or who we’re talking about. It makes us feel seen and understood.
Recommendation: Rise above. Be the bigger person and realize that before this was your former partner, they were your partner and that you chose them for a reason. They can’t be all bad. Remember that they are human and that they are likely hurting. Express your condolences and proceed in whatever way feels natural without violating your own boundaries or need for space if you need it.
3. They had a moment where they’ve realized they made a mistake either in breaking up with you or in the way they handled the breakup:
The end of a relationship oftentimes leads to some form of personal self-inquiry. Relationships can be huge catalysts for our individual growth if we allow them to be. Sometimes a break up is just what the doctor ordered for us to take a look under our own hoods and to see what we notice about ourselves. If we do, now that we have a little distance, we’ll likely find a thing or two that we’d like to change or something that we would’ve or could’ve done differently. It isn’t uncommon for us to then want to atone for our bad behavior or apologize for having hurt someone who at one point meant a lot to us and likely still does.
Recommendation: If you feel the effort on your ex’s part is genuine, understand that this is an opportunity for you to practice grace and potential forgiveness. Use it. There’s no need to perpetuate more hurt, particularly when another person is acknowledging they were wrong. Remember, forgiveness is something you do for you too. Carrying the burden of anger and resentment has a negative impact on your health. If it doesn’t feel genuine though, don’t respond if you don’t want to. If you don’t feel ready to engage yet, don’t. Wait until you are, then respond. Remember, your needs come first. Especially now.
4. They’re seeing someone new:
This is one of those instances that a lot of us dread but that can be quite healing if you allow it to be. Why? How? Oftentimes by letting you know that they’ve moved on, your ex is communicating that your relationship is most definitely over so if you’re holding on to hope for a reconciliation, they’re saying that it’s time to let go and move on. This is a clear form of closure…whether we like it or not.
Recommendation: Take them at their word and let them go. If it feels appropriate, thank them for letting you know and leave it there. What they go on to do with their lives is none of your business and can potentially turn into a source of unnecessary anguish for you. Resist the urge to find out who it is and under no circumstances try to find them online. Use this as an opportunity to once and for all come back to you… Radically.
We learn the art of relationships by being in a relationship.
There are no courses or seminars, no quick fixes, and no templates to follow when we’re born. This is a whole ‘learn as you go’ experience full of influencing factors that you oftentimes have no control over and as such, any expectations of perfection should realistically go out the window. Your job? To figure out what your patterns are and adjust accordingly.
Instead of chasing perfection, why not view your relationships as mirrors of yourself?
As indicators of the fact that we attract what we are and not necessarily what we want? If you find yourself in a position where you’re attracting the wrong types of people or on the receiving end of most of your breakups, life is trying to tell you to pay closer attention to yourself. Who are you being and how is that affecting the decisions that you make and the people who are coming into your life?
About Mona Green
Mona Green is a Celebrity Life and Love Coach who has worked with everyone from Chrissy Teigen, to Olympic Athletes, as well as clients that are newly divorced, in same-sex partnerships and single men and women. Visit online at namasme.com
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