Why Nagging Destroys Sexual Charge (And What You Can Do About It)
By Contributor Londin Angel Winters
We all know nagging is a bad dynamic in any romantic relationship. And for men especially, nagging drives them absolutely insane. Most women know this from watching their parents or playing it out in their own relationships, but they don’t understand why men hate nagging so much.
In our minds, WE are the ones who should be frustrated…
Often as women, we carry the mental weight of running the household and family. And when our men don’t pull their weight (especially when we live together), this gets exhausting. It feels like the only way to get him to do his fair share of the work is to bug him until he finally does it.
But here’s the problem…
Nagging is absolutely detrimental to sexual heat and chemistry. If you keep nagging your guy, he isn’t going to feel much like ripping your clothes off.
It can feel like a double bind for women — we want a man who does his share of the work AND we want to be adored, ravished and cherished.
The thing about a traditionally masculine, Alpha type man is this: Their number one most important value is freedom. When you nag them over and over again to do something, they perceive you as taking away their freedom. Alpha guys want freedom, trust and to be the leaders running the show. Every time you try and tell them what to do, it goes against the core of everything they really want. Not a great dynamic.
And it’s frustrating for you too!
You don’t want to have to nag him all the time, but it seems like unless you do, nothing gets done. And it’s not exactly fair that you should have to do all the work yourself just to preserve your sex life, right?
Absolutely. But here’s the thing — 99% of the time, nagging doesn’t work anyway.
You both end up feeling frustrated and disconnected.
But there is a solution. It comes down to dropping your old strategy, (the one that makes him feel you don’t trust him and you’re being controlling) and adopting a new one. A strategy that actually appeals to one of the other top values of an Alpha man — honor.
An Alpha guy prides himself on keeping his word. And you can appeal to this part of him to make agreements that will meet your needs in the relationship, without killing your sexual connection and chemistry.
Speak from the heart — not the mind.
Often when we’re telling our guy what needs to be done it sounds something like this, “babe, I’ve told you three times we have company coming over and you still haven’t picked up your clothes off the floor! Are you just not listening to me?!!”
We berate him with our words, so angry that we’ve literally closed our heart to him.
Now what if we shift it to this, “Love… I have friends coming over this evening and I feel embarrassed when the house doesn’t look nice.”
Now, not only is this much kinder, it has another important distinction — rather than telling him what to do, you’re expressing your emotion from your heart. You’re getting vulnerable and letting him know this makes you feel embarrassed. Suddenly, he can be your hero. He has the opportunity to help you feel better. It’s a challenge or problem he can solve for you instead of what can feel like you arbitrarily telling him what to do.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
A lot of the time we get into negative patterns with our partners and start harping on them for every single little thing, just to make a point. We have built up emotion around the fact that “he never helps” unless we ask him to, so we start getting on him about everything.
This is a major no no. Because when you bug him about each tiny thing instead of saving it for the things that are really important to you, you lose credibility with him. He DOES stop listening, because you’re on him all the time.
So you have to make the choice to step back on certain things and save the requests for things that really matter to you. Let the little things go.
So much of the time, the things that DO need to be talked about get slipped into our daily interactions and are treated like they’re nothing. When something is causing you irritation and needs to be talked about, it’s best to formalize the conversation.
Alpha guys do well with clear agreements. And it’s hard to make a clear agreement while you’re putting on your makeup and rushing out the door for work. Instead, give it proper attention. Go grab coffee somewhere and bring it up with him when he is giving you his full attention.
Remember to speak from the heart and tell him what agreement you need in order to make a shift. Appeal to his honor. See what he’s willing to agree to and then count on him to be his word. Stay out of demands or telling him what he needs to do.
For example, you could say: “In order to stop feeling frustrated about having to cook dinner every night when I’ve also been working all day, I would need you to take over 2 nights each week of figuring out dinner.” Note the words, “I would need.” This isn’t an expectation or a demand, it’s you expressing your needs. He has the choice to show up or not.
Try this method as an alternative to nagging. If you’ve made a clear agreement about something that’s important to you and really spoken from your heart, then if he breaks the agreement, you can show him with your emotions. Let him know your disappointment that he isn’t being his word. But first you have to give him a chance.
ABOUT LONDIN ANGEL WINTERS:
Londin Angel Winters is a true thought leader in the conversation of embodied love and intimacy. As the author of Amazon best-selling book, The Awakened Woman’s Guide To Everlasting Love, acclaimed sacred intimacy coach, co-facilitator of the Yoga of Intimacy retreat and teacher of Sacred Snake Ceremony, Londin is bringing something refreshing and powerful to the world of relationship and divine feminine practice.